… thanks for the belated apologies yesterday. It seemed (well mostly*) sincere, so thanks for that. Apology accepted.
Except, well, it was a bit confusing because some of it seemed not to be an apology at all just an excuse to draft up your worst cliches, stereotypes and cultural-hatred-dressed-up-as-jokes, so that was a bit weird. Buckfast and Braveheart gags? Really?
And listen don’t worry about Ray Winstone, Kelvin Mackenzie and all the casual racism as light-entertainment we get on the telly we pay a license fee for too, it’s fine, really, we’re pretty used to it. It’s a bit weird to be honest, but it’s fine, really. I mean we both know that if a Scottish newspaper (whisper it they don’t really exist but we don’t have time to go into that right now) – if a Scottish newspaper was to write a feature like that about England there would be just a cascade of abuse and it would probably be raised in the Houses of Parliament. But anyway, hey ho.
We’ve got our own apologies to make but before we do we just wanted to get a few things straight. You see, the thing is it’s not really about YOU guys. That’s the thing. It’s more about, well, democracy really rather than Barry Cryer or Scrooge McDuck, say. Best to get that sorted out. You see you may have got it into your head that ‘the nationalists’ are driven by anti-English sentiment but see that’s just a wee fantasy you’ve concocted to yourselves, so, best just let that one go? You see, our first apology is that we don’t share your slightly obsessive narcissist xenophobic outlook on the world. Sorry about that.
In fact we’ve got plenty to apologise for.
First up we’re really sorry about laughing at the World Cup penalties thing in Italia 1990, Euro 96, 1998, Euro 204, World Cup 2006, and, er, Euro 2012. It’s just childish, so, sorry about that. Promise we’ll get right behind the lads in Brazil.
Sorry about not finding Steve Bell’s wide-ranging depictions of Alex Salmond endlessly funny, sorry about that. Sorry too about celebrating a bit when Thatcher died. That was cruel and heartless. And hey, sorry we were rude to that nice man Nigel when he came to Edinburgh. That was racist of us! Sorry about that. Sorry we didn’t hold lots of Street Parties serving Coronation Chicken when you had that lovely Jubilee thing. Sorry about that – they looked great. Especially the way you got Heston Blumenthal to make everyone packed lunches. Brilliant. Sorry we sort of gave up on the Union Jack and stopped singing God Save the Queen too back in the 70s. Sorry about that. It just seemed a bit shit.
Finally, you say: “Let’s talk. Anything is possible. Except you going. We couldn’t bear that.” Now we might be being paranoid but we’re not entirely convinced your being serious here, but that’s okay. We’ll be gone soon, just packing a few things.
Listen before we go – there’s just a couple of things we think you maybe missed with your apology, if you wouldn’t mind having a quick glance we jotted down a few items:
Laurence Llewelyn-Bowen. Mick Hucknall. Pedlars. Dungavel. Sam Cam. Question of Sport. Sandi Toksvig. The Big Society. Autumnwatch. Seb Coe. Paul Dacre. Royal Wooton Bassett. Paul Baxendale-Walker. Mark Lawrenson.
Simon Harwood. The One Show. Bullingdon Club Cabinet. Kelvin Mackenzie (okay you apologised already but really!). Katie Allsop. The Daily Mail. Neil Hamilton. Henman Hill. Jimmy Hill. Damon Devereux Hill. Journalism about Pippa Middleton’s bum. Sausages.
The Brits. Starkey. Alan Titchmarsh. Nadine Dorries. Mid-Bedfordshire. Endless coverage of the Ashes. QI. Jeremy Guscott. Jeremy Spake. Jeremy Hunt. Jeremy Clarkson. Jeremy Kyle (anyone called Jeremy apart from Hardy). Morrissey. John Redwood. A Touch of Frost. Discussion of Stephen Fry’s Twitter following. Roger Scruton. Paul Burrell. We’re All in This Together.
Illegal wars in far away places for no apparent reason. Jimmy Carr. Simon Jenkins. Paul Staines. ITV News – the news with REALLY BIG PICTURES. Ross Kemp. Keep Calm and Carry On. The Olympics. David Mitchell. Anne Robinson. Balmoral. Khaki Culture. Your newsreaders. Your newspapers.
David Aaronovitch. The Royal Mail. Last Night of the Proms. Sky Sports 1. Wills. Claire Fox. Peter Mandelson. Proudlock. Steps. Rugby League. Pork scratchings. Brian Moore. Roger Moore. Dudley Moore. Low-Flying. Posh Spices handbag. Men Behaving Badly. Simon Schama. 30 Years of Shame. The Boat Race. Bernard Manning. Nick Clegg. The Archers. Cowes. Swing Low. Noel Edmonds. Spooks. Mullets. The Apprentice. Linwood. Frank Skinner. The Great British Bake Off. The Economist.
Littlejohn. David Baddiel. The Dimblebys. WMD. Duckponds. The Old Lady of Threadneedle Street. Teddy Edward. Adam Boulton. Nuclear Power. Pudsy. Wetherspoons.
Dodgy Dossiers. Prince Andrew. Nicholas Witchell. Rory McGrath. Ermine. Magazines dedicated to the squeezed-middle. Horrid Henry. Spotted Dick. EDL. CBI. BAE. PFI. White Van Man.
Ainsley Harriott. Trinny and Susannah. John Terry. Delia. Jim Davison. Andrew Lloyd Webber. Mr Bean. Guido Fawkes. Oh I say. NEXT. Musicals. Duchy Originals. The Sword of Truth. Rod Liddle. Jacob Rees Mogg. DIB DIB DIB. SAS Novels. They Think It’s All Over (it is now).
Er, that’s it for now.
PS Don’t worry about the rugby, it’s not a real sport anyway, so no problem there.
* we’re not SUPER convinced that No. 46 is over-brimming with sincerity for example